Television and The Great Things it Teaches Us.

            Television. It’s one of those ties that binds so to say. It can unite families after a long day at work and school, it can be your night in with the girls, or it can make you cry your eyes out because that’s what girls do after a breakup. Imagine this, you come home from a long day and all you want to do is relax. But there are dishes to do, dinner to make and other things that are more important than relaxing. That’s where television comes in, because I can almost guarantee that 95% of our population would rather eat dinner in front of their television with their family, for the sake of having a little bit of together-ness time.

            For me and my mom, television has become a joke because she can hardly ever stay awake to find out what we’re watching. But it’s okay because the time we do spend watching television has helped me decide that I want to be in the Communications field as an occupation. In the fall, I will be attending Kent State University in the school of Communication Studies and there are so many jobs that I could obtain with that degree.

            Now, you may be asking yourself, “How does television help you decide that one?” Well, I watch a lot of Criminal Minds, if you've never seen it, I highly recommend it. Anyway, there is a character named Jennifer “JJ” Jerow, and she is basically the Publicist for the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI. I’m not saying that is exactly what I want to do, that’s just one example. I could also be a news anchor, just to name a few.

            I have always been excited by being in the public eye, that may sound strange but it has always been a strong suit of mine to speak in public. Television can be good and it can also be bad, but in my case, I believe there is nothing but good coming out of all of my hours of watching it. Maybe one day, all of my hopes and dreams will pay off and instead of seeing my on a television show being a publicist, you’ll see me on television as an actual publicist or doing something else in the communications field.

            If you ask anyone that I know, they’ll tell you that this field is the perfect one for me because sometimes I don’t know when to shut my mouth. Television has always been something that has brought my friends and family together but it has also helped me discover my life’s calling. I know one day it will all work out the way I want it to and maybe one day, I can be as great as JJ.   

Technology. It's helpful, I promise.

So there’s this awesome thing out in the universe called technology. It comes in different forms, we all know that like cell phones, computers, apps, emails, and so many more things that make this world go ‘round. I know I’m constantly using my phone to check Instagram or Facebook, or getting in touch with my friends and family through texts. It seems like no matter what, we always find a purpose for technology in our everyday lives.

            Since I was a little kid, there have been so many advances too, which I think it the really cool part. I mean when I was growing up, I never would have imagined iPhones existing. Or being able to check what movie is playing tomorrow night at my favorite movie theatre. Technology has had such an impact in my life and I seriously don't know where I would be without it.

            Technology isn’t just cell phones and apps, it’s also computers and the internet which is such a vast universe in itself that we have found ourselves depending on. If you take a look at most businesses today, they can't run without their computer systems, if they break down then the whole store could suffer. But on the flipside of that, take my part time job for instance. I work at a small town shoe store that has been in existence for 75 years. If you look back 5 years ago, there weren’t computers and we still run our store that way today. We keep record of our customers on index cards; they simply have the name, phone number and address of the customer. Every time they buy shoes, the shoes go onto the card. It’s a simple and “old-school” way to keep track of our customers.

            I have been able to integrate technology into my life in many ways, I use my computer almost every day to check my emails, do homework and fill out scholarships. My cell phone is practically attached to my hip at all times, in case of an emergency and so I can text my friends to set up plans. But daily technology is used around me, in school, on the road, in my home and almost everywhere. It doesn’t matter how much we don’t want to think about it, technology is one of those things that will continue to change. As time goes on, and as humans become more advanced, the world around us needs to keep up.

            No matter what your view of technology is, I think it’s important for everyone to understand that it is going to keep moving forward. I look back on my life and how much everything has changed from the time I started school to now, when I’m getting ready to graduate. Technology has been and will always be changing. It’s only a matter of time until we as a human race are outsmarted by the technology we’re surrounded with. It’s not just that technology can help us function, I think that as an adolescent, eventually my generation and the generations to come will not be able to function without technology. 

Never look back, darling. It distracts from the now.

          So very recently, I have begun to think back on the 12-ish years that the senior class has been together. Even though we went to different elementary schools, once we hit middle school we found the ones that clicked. It's hard to believe that in less than 7 months, we won't be able to walk through the doors to our high school, every single day. I know that might sound like an accomplishment and it should be, we deserve to leave, but I am pretty certain that a few months after graduation we will be wishing we were the ones getting ready for the homecoming dance. I don't know who all reads this blog, and that's the beauty of it, but I hope that if you're reading this and your are in my graduating class, I just want you to know that whether or not I have ever talked to you, I will miss you.

         That may seem like a stretch to say that I will miss everyone in my class, and maybe it is, but the seniors of 2014 have been together since 6th grade and we're a family; when your family goes away, you miss them. I don't want to sound like a bitch by saying something about not talking to everyone, because if you know me personally, you are quite aware that I try to be kind to everyone I come in contact with. Believe me when I say that it hasn't always been easy, but I think I've been pretty successful.

          The main point I would like to get across this evening is a pretty big weight on my heart and it has been since that day in February when we lost one of our own. It's crazy to think that this coming February marks the sixth year that the senior class has been without Cassidy Rae. I can still remember the entire day and every time I think about it, all I do is cry and think about how you should still be here. Graduating without you is not going to be the same mainly because you and I have been together from Kiddie Kapers until that one day.
 
          No matter who reads this, I want you to take a moment, just stop reading, close your eyes and think about being in 6th grade again. What did your life look like? Were you always smiling and happy. Never a moment without your best friends and never a dull moment between you. Now, take another moment and think about what it would be like to lose someone in that group of best friends and think about not graduating with them. Think about how much you would have to hurt every single day for the rest of your life for not doing more to help them. It sucks. Believe me, I've been there.

          To the class of 2014 at Milton Area High School, I hope that we remember a few things after we graduate. When you're at college thinking you can't do it anymore, try harder; when you go out, be careful you have a family to come back to; no matter where you go in life, home will always be here right where we left it. Where we left Friday night football games, stupid sayings that become part of our vocabulary (hello, SWAG?), long small town roads that got us exactly where we wanted to go at the moment we had nowhere else to go, to the friends that we turn to after years of being gone, the smell of Milton(enough said), the sight of our familiar streets, and most importantly the open doors(or gates) of our High School that will welcome us to games, events, or just because. Don't think that just because we are leaving we'll be forgotten. The kids after us will remember us just like we remember the ones that came before us.

          Home is where our story begins. It may also be where our story ends, but at least let yourself get out for a little bit. All that I know is that I love home but not home is pretty cool too. Home is where our story begins.

Inhale the good shit. Exhale the bull shit.

I would like every single one of you to take a good long look at the girl right above this blog entry. Yes, that is me, four years ago when nothing was going right for me in my life. I was a girl that went to school with long sleeves covering scars, and then I would come home and not say anything just to start the cycle over again. Now, I know you might be thinking that I blog a lot about self harm, but that is because it is becoming too popular and it is something that needs to end simply because it isn't worth it. It has taken me six years to figure that out but because of some people in my life, I understand that life is worth living and that it's okay to be sad, but you don't automatically have to go towards the death card. 

In my life, I have been fortunate to be blessed with a multitude of friendships. They come in different sizes, shapes, and genders but that isn't what matters. What matters, is the fact that no matter what I have going on in my life, some of them would be willing to drop what they're doing to help me. I don't know what I would do without them and the fact that I am graduating in less than 7 months is making me glad that I have them. 

I have done shout out blogs before, but now they just seem childish. I do, however, want to name the people that have helped me out in the past year or so. Even if they don't read this, I hope they know how much I appreciate them. Mom without you, I wouldn't be here and I mean that in more than one sense. My aunt and cousin, you two are like sisters to me and without you, I wouldn't know how to laugh the bad moments off. My baby brother, even though I wasn't around a lot, I hope you realize what you mean to me. My non-blood family, Mark, Hayleigh, Devon, Brad 1, Brad 2,  Krysta, and Aubyn. Some of you are still in my life, others not so much, but no matter what, you have gotten me out of some tough crap and for that I am forever thankful.   

Throughout my life, I have lost family members and that has made me stronger as well. I know it might sound weird, but some people grow from tragedy. I am one of those people. Maybe it's because of how I grew up but I have been able to deal with loss quite well, even though when I am alone, I break down. It's okay though, because sometimes we need that. 

My one hope is that if you read this blog, even though it isn't consistent, you're inspired to do something. Maybe you want to start blogging yourself, or maybe because of me, you have a higher want to help people with depression or signs of it. No matter what it is, if I have inspired you, then you have inspired me. I want to know what you want to do, if you have found inspiration in one of my blogs, don't hesitate to tell me. I appreciate your honesty and your kind words. Thanks for the support. 

After a While

After a while you learn

The subtle difference between

Holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn

That kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes ahead

With the grace of a woman 

Not the grief of a child.

And you learn 

To build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow's ground is

Too uncertain for plans

And futures have a way

Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden

And decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn 

That you really can endure

That you are really strong

And you really do have worth

And you learn and you learn 

With every good bye you learn

Veronica A. Shoffstall

Xoxo loves, until tomorrow(maybe)

My night of truth.

I am not depressed.

I can still smile a pretty things. 

And laugh when jokes are funny. 

I can still talk to people.

And enjoy nice days.

But when I go inside,

When I am alone,

There is something broken.

And I fall into a sadness so sweet

That it engulfs me.

I look into the mirror,

And I don't like what I see.

And the tears always fall 

When I'm falling asleep.

And I miss something, 

That doesn't exist.

I am not depressed.

I've just been sad for a while.

But I can still find the light.

I can still smile.

For anyone who knows me really well, I have always struggled with getting to that point of extreme happiness. You know, the kind you achieve when you get a really good grade or you score a winning touchdown? Well in my life, it's always seemed like that wasn't allowed. I don't want to sound like an ungrateful little brat though, because there have been many phenomenal things that I have been able to be a part of and a whole lot of incredible people I've been able to meet as well. So I'm not saying that my life has been terrible and that everyone should pity me, I'm just trying to be truthful because there isn't a lot of truth in today's world anymore. I will be honest and say that I didn't write that little thing above, I found it on Pintrest, but that's okay because it speaks to my life. People may say that I am depressed and at one point in my life I totally was and maybe I haven't let go of it all together, but it isn't something that holds me back from being a normal teenager. 

On another truthful note, I want to speak directly to those of you who have/want to/do self harm. I was once in your position. Self harm controlled my life for 5 years and it has tried to creep back in and it isn't something to joke about, not something to take lightly and it isn't something that you try for the fun of it. I have scars and I am ashamed of them, but they aren't something to be ashamed of. I know that people may say they are a sign of weakness and that you should've gone further. Get it through your mind that people are rude and nasty. I don't care what is going on in your life if you think that cutting, burning, snapping or any other self harm is okay, STOP IT! Put down the razor, the safety pin, whatever gives you that rush, it isn't worth it.

I also want to talk about suicide. I know, tough stuff tonight, but I have had a lot on my mind and when I do this is what helps me. Killing yourself or thinking about it is not an option. Okay, it is an option but don't let it be your only option. You only have this one life, why would you want to waste it because your life isn't good right now? Did you read that? Read it again. "We are not given a good life or a bad life. We are given a life. It's up to us to make it good or bad." Am I being too harsh? I'm sorry, let me rub your back while you choke down those pain pills. I am not going to sugar coat this subject anymore. I have gone through depression, self harm, suicide attempts too many times to allow the rest of my generation to go through the same thing. I hope you realize that your life is precious and that you can't get it back. Don't give up your life. 

Change is okay, I promise.

I read a quote on Pintrest the other night. It seems to apply to me, my classmates, and anyone else who is making big life choices. "Making a big life change is scary. But, know what's scarier? Regret." Maybe we never know that we're making big changes but it's the little things that count as well.

I have so many friends going off to college or continuing their college careers. Soon enough, that will be myself and my classmates. It's true that we haven't started our senior year quite yet, but it is upon us. After talking to my guidance counselor the other week, I found out that I am a little ahead of the game when it comes to my plans after I graduate. And quite honestly, that's okay with me. I would rather know what my plan is than to have to scramble around when there are deadlines that pop up right after we start school. I've been told that I plan ahead way too much, but this is one of those times that I think it is very much necessary.

Another choice that I've decided to make is my weight loss. Sure, I probably should have taken care of this years ago, but I know now that I don't want to be the fat freshman when I start college. I am just so stoked to follow through with this. And that is a big change for me as well. I've always been healthy, but I've never been little. And now that I've seen my options for college, the fact that I can get a personal trainer at my number one choice, kind of makes it that much better. It's not like I haven't started, I am madly in love with Zumba. For anyone that has never tried it, I strongly recommend it. It relieves stress and it's just fun.

Change can be scary, I understand that. But I also understand that we can't let fear hold us back. When I think of my changes, I think of a quote from A Cinderella Story, "Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game." I refuse to let myself and others down anymore. I think we should all make a pact, that in one year, we will not be the same people that we are right now. Whether it means losing weight, continuing our education or just being different. Whatever you want to do to change your life, just go out and do it. Never let anything or anyone hold you back,

Don't let your warrior leave you.

Recently, I have had two songs on repeat. They are by one Demi Lovato, and they just speak to my life and what I've gone through. The first one is called Warrior, in which she talks about having a person in her life take everything from her. I've never been one to open up about my situation with my dad, but with this song, I feel like I can.

In my life, up until now, I think I have seen my dad a total of maybe 3 years combined. More recently it's been limited to Christmas, mainly because things haven't worked out with us. My parents were never married, and maybe that had an effect on me, but I think it's more because of how stubborn I am. I am a lot like my dad, in many ways. There are a lot of people in my life that have never met him, and that's how I want to keep it.

It's not like I'm proud of the characteristics I inherited from him. It's gets me yelled at frequently and it gets me in a lot of trouble. We're both really bullheaded, and we both need to have the last word. More recently, I had the last words which were "Stay out of my life." Maybe that's a bit harsh, and maybe I should rethink myself, but being this way for 10+ years has gotten me a lot further in life than being a little wimp who never stands up for herself.

Let me explain. In this state, a child who lives with one parent and is in a shared custody agreement has to live with the circumstances until they are 12 years old. At which point they can choose to live with one parent, or continue the every other weekend crap. For anyone that knows me well enough, that wasn't okay with me. I never got along with my dad and his girlfriend, and maybe it's because he was never around. But when I was around 6 or 7, I decided that I was no longer going to live with the arguing and the crying, and I decided to live with my mom full-time and only see him when I had to. The negative side to all of this is as much as I've seen my dad in my entire life, I have gotten to see my younger brother even less.

He is 4 years younger than me and he is one awesome kid and I hope that one day, all of this crap will be behind us and I will be able to see him whenever I want to. Okay, enough about my life...I wanted to talk about another song.

Recently, Demi Lovato has gone through stuff that  have experienced personally. She has gone through depression, anxiety, and self-harm much like myself. Let me tell you, it's a hard road to get off of. That's not why I love this other song, I love it because it speaks to someone who hurt her. And for me, it speaks to my dad. It's called "Shouldn't Come Back." It talks about all the pain and that the person who is being sung to, should stay out of her life. It just resonates so deeply with me. And maybe, if you listen to them, you'll find something you can relate to in them.

That's all for the night my lovelies, even though I have written into the wee hours of the morning. I hope I give you something to stand for because face it, "If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything." I don't want to see anyone fall for the wrong reasons.

Click on those links by the way, it leads you to the songs I just talked about :P

Good night for now. My song of hope. Maybe it can be yours too. Who knows, maybe you'll be telling someone this soon.