Never look back, darling. It distracts from the now.

          So very recently, I have begun to think back on the 12-ish years that the senior class has been together. Even though we went to different elementary schools, once we hit middle school we found the ones that clicked. It's hard to believe that in less than 7 months, we won't be able to walk through the doors to our high school, every single day. I know that might sound like an accomplishment and it should be, we deserve to leave, but I am pretty certain that a few months after graduation we will be wishing we were the ones getting ready for the homecoming dance. I don't know who all reads this blog, and that's the beauty of it, but I hope that if you're reading this and your are in my graduating class, I just want you to know that whether or not I have ever talked to you, I will miss you.

         That may seem like a stretch to say that I will miss everyone in my class, and maybe it is, but the seniors of 2014 have been together since 6th grade and we're a family; when your family goes away, you miss them. I don't want to sound like a bitch by saying something about not talking to everyone, because if you know me personally, you are quite aware that I try to be kind to everyone I come in contact with. Believe me when I say that it hasn't always been easy, but I think I've been pretty successful.

          The main point I would like to get across this evening is a pretty big weight on my heart and it has been since that day in February when we lost one of our own. It's crazy to think that this coming February marks the sixth year that the senior class has been without Cassidy Rae. I can still remember the entire day and every time I think about it, all I do is cry and think about how you should still be here. Graduating without you is not going to be the same mainly because you and I have been together from Kiddie Kapers until that one day.
 
          No matter who reads this, I want you to take a moment, just stop reading, close your eyes and think about being in 6th grade again. What did your life look like? Were you always smiling and happy. Never a moment without your best friends and never a dull moment between you. Now, take another moment and think about what it would be like to lose someone in that group of best friends and think about not graduating with them. Think about how much you would have to hurt every single day for the rest of your life for not doing more to help them. It sucks. Believe me, I've been there.

          To the class of 2014 at Milton Area High School, I hope that we remember a few things after we graduate. When you're at college thinking you can't do it anymore, try harder; when you go out, be careful you have a family to come back to; no matter where you go in life, home will always be here right where we left it. Where we left Friday night football games, stupid sayings that become part of our vocabulary (hello, SWAG?), long small town roads that got us exactly where we wanted to go at the moment we had nowhere else to go, to the friends that we turn to after years of being gone, the smell of Milton(enough said), the sight of our familiar streets, and most importantly the open doors(or gates) of our High School that will welcome us to games, events, or just because. Don't think that just because we are leaving we'll be forgotten. The kids after us will remember us just like we remember the ones that came before us.

          Home is where our story begins. It may also be where our story ends, but at least let yourself get out for a little bit. All that I know is that I love home but not home is pretty cool too. Home is where our story begins.

Inhale the good shit. Exhale the bull shit.

I would like every single one of you to take a good long look at the girl right above this blog entry. Yes, that is me, four years ago when nothing was going right for me in my life. I was a girl that went to school with long sleeves covering scars, and then I would come home and not say anything just to start the cycle over again. Now, I know you might be thinking that I blog a lot about self harm, but that is because it is becoming too popular and it is something that needs to end simply because it isn't worth it. It has taken me six years to figure that out but because of some people in my life, I understand that life is worth living and that it's okay to be sad, but you don't automatically have to go towards the death card. 

In my life, I have been fortunate to be blessed with a multitude of friendships. They come in different sizes, shapes, and genders but that isn't what matters. What matters, is the fact that no matter what I have going on in my life, some of them would be willing to drop what they're doing to help me. I don't know what I would do without them and the fact that I am graduating in less than 7 months is making me glad that I have them. 

I have done shout out blogs before, but now they just seem childish. I do, however, want to name the people that have helped me out in the past year or so. Even if they don't read this, I hope they know how much I appreciate them. Mom without you, I wouldn't be here and I mean that in more than one sense. My aunt and cousin, you two are like sisters to me and without you, I wouldn't know how to laugh the bad moments off. My baby brother, even though I wasn't around a lot, I hope you realize what you mean to me. My non-blood family, Mark, Hayleigh, Devon, Brad 1, Brad 2,  Krysta, and Aubyn. Some of you are still in my life, others not so much, but no matter what, you have gotten me out of some tough crap and for that I am forever thankful.   

Throughout my life, I have lost family members and that has made me stronger as well. I know it might sound weird, but some people grow from tragedy. I am one of those people. Maybe it's because of how I grew up but I have been able to deal with loss quite well, even though when I am alone, I break down. It's okay though, because sometimes we need that. 

My one hope is that if you read this blog, even though it isn't consistent, you're inspired to do something. Maybe you want to start blogging yourself, or maybe because of me, you have a higher want to help people with depression or signs of it. No matter what it is, if I have inspired you, then you have inspired me. I want to know what you want to do, if you have found inspiration in one of my blogs, don't hesitate to tell me. I appreciate your honesty and your kind words. Thanks for the support. 

After a While

After a while you learn

The subtle difference between

Holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn

That kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes ahead

With the grace of a woman 

Not the grief of a child.

And you learn 

To build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow's ground is

Too uncertain for plans

And futures have a way

Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden

And decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn 

That you really can endure

That you are really strong

And you really do have worth

And you learn and you learn 

With every good bye you learn

Veronica A. Shoffstall

Xoxo loves, until tomorrow(maybe)

My night of truth.

I am not depressed.

I can still smile a pretty things. 

And laugh when jokes are funny. 

I can still talk to people.

And enjoy nice days.

But when I go inside,

When I am alone,

There is something broken.

And I fall into a sadness so sweet

That it engulfs me.

I look into the mirror,

And I don't like what I see.

And the tears always fall 

When I'm falling asleep.

And I miss something, 

That doesn't exist.

I am not depressed.

I've just been sad for a while.

But I can still find the light.

I can still smile.

For anyone who knows me really well, I have always struggled with getting to that point of extreme happiness. You know, the kind you achieve when you get a really good grade or you score a winning touchdown? Well in my life, it's always seemed like that wasn't allowed. I don't want to sound like an ungrateful little brat though, because there have been many phenomenal things that I have been able to be a part of and a whole lot of incredible people I've been able to meet as well. So I'm not saying that my life has been terrible and that everyone should pity me, I'm just trying to be truthful because there isn't a lot of truth in today's world anymore. I will be honest and say that I didn't write that little thing above, I found it on Pintrest, but that's okay because it speaks to my life. People may say that I am depressed and at one point in my life I totally was and maybe I haven't let go of it all together, but it isn't something that holds me back from being a normal teenager. 

On another truthful note, I want to speak directly to those of you who have/want to/do self harm. I was once in your position. Self harm controlled my life for 5 years and it has tried to creep back in and it isn't something to joke about, not something to take lightly and it isn't something that you try for the fun of it. I have scars and I am ashamed of them, but they aren't something to be ashamed of. I know that people may say they are a sign of weakness and that you should've gone further. Get it through your mind that people are rude and nasty. I don't care what is going on in your life if you think that cutting, burning, snapping or any other self harm is okay, STOP IT! Put down the razor, the safety pin, whatever gives you that rush, it isn't worth it.

I also want to talk about suicide. I know, tough stuff tonight, but I have had a lot on my mind and when I do this is what helps me. Killing yourself or thinking about it is not an option. Okay, it is an option but don't let it be your only option. You only have this one life, why would you want to waste it because your life isn't good right now? Did you read that? Read it again. "We are not given a good life or a bad life. We are given a life. It's up to us to make it good or bad." Am I being too harsh? I'm sorry, let me rub your back while you choke down those pain pills. I am not going to sugar coat this subject anymore. I have gone through depression, self harm, suicide attempts too many times to allow the rest of my generation to go through the same thing. I hope you realize that your life is precious and that you can't get it back. Don't give up your life. 

Change is okay, I promise.

I read a quote on Pintrest the other night. It seems to apply to me, my classmates, and anyone else who is making big life choices. "Making a big life change is scary. But, know what's scarier? Regret." Maybe we never know that we're making big changes but it's the little things that count as well.

I have so many friends going off to college or continuing their college careers. Soon enough, that will be myself and my classmates. It's true that we haven't started our senior year quite yet, but it is upon us. After talking to my guidance counselor the other week, I found out that I am a little ahead of the game when it comes to my plans after I graduate. And quite honestly, that's okay with me. I would rather know what my plan is than to have to scramble around when there are deadlines that pop up right after we start school. I've been told that I plan ahead way too much, but this is one of those times that I think it is very much necessary.

Another choice that I've decided to make is my weight loss. Sure, I probably should have taken care of this years ago, but I know now that I don't want to be the fat freshman when I start college. I am just so stoked to follow through with this. And that is a big change for me as well. I've always been healthy, but I've never been little. And now that I've seen my options for college, the fact that I can get a personal trainer at my number one choice, kind of makes it that much better. It's not like I haven't started, I am madly in love with Zumba. For anyone that has never tried it, I strongly recommend it. It relieves stress and it's just fun.

Change can be scary, I understand that. But I also understand that we can't let fear hold us back. When I think of my changes, I think of a quote from A Cinderella Story, "Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game." I refuse to let myself and others down anymore. I think we should all make a pact, that in one year, we will not be the same people that we are right now. Whether it means losing weight, continuing our education or just being different. Whatever you want to do to change your life, just go out and do it. Never let anything or anyone hold you back,

Don't let your warrior leave you.

Recently, I have had two songs on repeat. They are by one Demi Lovato, and they just speak to my life and what I've gone through. The first one is called Warrior, in which she talks about having a person in her life take everything from her. I've never been one to open up about my situation with my dad, but with this song, I feel like I can.

In my life, up until now, I think I have seen my dad a total of maybe 3 years combined. More recently it's been limited to Christmas, mainly because things haven't worked out with us. My parents were never married, and maybe that had an effect on me, but I think it's more because of how stubborn I am. I am a lot like my dad, in many ways. There are a lot of people in my life that have never met him, and that's how I want to keep it.

It's not like I'm proud of the characteristics I inherited from him. It's gets me yelled at frequently and it gets me in a lot of trouble. We're both really bullheaded, and we both need to have the last word. More recently, I had the last words which were "Stay out of my life." Maybe that's a bit harsh, and maybe I should rethink myself, but being this way for 10+ years has gotten me a lot further in life than being a little wimp who never stands up for herself.

Let me explain. In this state, a child who lives with one parent and is in a shared custody agreement has to live with the circumstances until they are 12 years old. At which point they can choose to live with one parent, or continue the every other weekend crap. For anyone that knows me well enough, that wasn't okay with me. I never got along with my dad and his girlfriend, and maybe it's because he was never around. But when I was around 6 or 7, I decided that I was no longer going to live with the arguing and the crying, and I decided to live with my mom full-time and only see him when I had to. The negative side to all of this is as much as I've seen my dad in my entire life, I have gotten to see my younger brother even less.

He is 4 years younger than me and he is one awesome kid and I hope that one day, all of this crap will be behind us and I will be able to see him whenever I want to. Okay, enough about my life...I wanted to talk about another song.

Recently, Demi Lovato has gone through stuff that  have experienced personally. She has gone through depression, anxiety, and self-harm much like myself. Let me tell you, it's a hard road to get off of. That's not why I love this other song, I love it because it speaks to someone who hurt her. And for me, it speaks to my dad. It's called "Shouldn't Come Back." It talks about all the pain and that the person who is being sung to, should stay out of her life. It just resonates so deeply with me. And maybe, if you listen to them, you'll find something you can relate to in them.

That's all for the night my lovelies, even though I have written into the wee hours of the morning. I hope I give you something to stand for because face it, "If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything." I don't want to see anyone fall for the wrong reasons.

Click on those links by the way, it leads you to the songs I just talked about :P

Good night for now. My song of hope. Maybe it can be yours too. Who knows, maybe you'll be telling someone this soon.

I have a couple of shout-outs to make tonight. And by that I don't mean I am going to talk about random people that many of you probably don't know. What I am planning on doing is giving shout outs to groups of people, even though that sounds super judgemental.

First one is to those of you with single parents, especially single moms. I know I know, a teenage girl talking about the perks of living with one other female. But I know plenty of guys with single momma bears and to be honest, it's pretty amazing. I never imagined hearing myself say that until I started looking at colleges at the beginning of my last summer. Let me take you into my world for a little bit, if you get bored then you have my permission to leave my blog. I am a lucky little girl who gets to live with her momma and even though we don't always get along, she's seriously like my best friend and I have no idea what I would do without her. What I'm getting at is that these women don't get a lot of credit for the hard work they pull off. If you are fortunate enough to live with the Queen B and only her, then you should be able to admit that I'm right.

Most days, she goes to work before you get your butt out of bed, and she's home right before the sky turns black. But while she's away from your side, she's making the money it takes to keep that roof over your head, those clothes in your closet and your stomach from eating itself from the inside out. Am I right? Not only does she work this job during the week, we all know that she works 2 sometimes 3 jobs to keep us young ones happy. With the economy the way it is, that's bound to be some of us in like 15 years. I'm not saying that we're going to be single or divorced, but we will have bills to pay, mouths to feed, and a house to keep standing. So the next time you want to scream at your mom (or single dad) because they won't let you go anywhere or won't get you those new sneakers, just think about how you would react if that were your kid.

Second one goes out to those of you who, like me, are applying to college or trying to figure out what you're going to do with the rest of your life once you walk across that stage and receive that lovely diploma and are done with "the greatest years of your life." Face it, everyone knows that high school is just 4 years to make some friends, have some memories and cry a lot because everything is changing SO FAST. Like I said, I spent my summer college shopping and trying to decide just what I want to be when I grow up. This process is long, frustrating, and sometimes (actually ALWAYS) super super stressful. Since I started high school I have wanted to major in like 10 different things and while visiting colleges up and down the east coast, I've changed my mind again.

Change is a good thing, as long as it's a good change. I know that sounds kind of redundant but if you think about it, I'm pretty right on this one. A bad change would be going from never smoking a day in your life to smoking 3 packs a day. Whereas a good change would be going from a pretty high weight and dropping it before you graduate. There's a big difference between good and bad.

I want to give the BIGGEST shout-out to my seniors who are going off to college or bettering their life in some way. You're either leaving me to become something awesome, or you're starting your own little family. Either way, I am going to miss the majority of you a whole lot and I expect to see you all very very soon. I'm not trying to sound sappy or anything but I cannot wait to see what becomes of the students that have graduated before me and the ones to come. To be honest however, I am so extremely ecstatic to see the future of the Class of 2014. We have to leave our mark on this town and this world but most importantly, we have to leave an impression on the people we meet.

Peace out for tonight my loving Panthers. And I will grace your newsfeed with my present soon enough. For now, goodnight.

Becoming my own warrior.

So recently, I have been taking new views on my life. There's senior year, graduation, and college. What's not to think about right now? I usually don't give away my secrets when I find my own happiness, but if I can help someone else be happy, that makes me happy.

This "new view" isn't new to this world, nor should it be new to most females trying to figure out life. I have been able to travel to Europe, and although that isn't the end of my travels it has made me realize how big this world is. It isn't anything like the Disney World ride that repeats the same song over and over again, because it's untrue. Yes, I know that you could go on vacation and happen to meet someone that knows your aunt's cousin's niece, but that isn't the point. The point is that travel is one thing that can make almost everyone happy. I get my traveling happiness by continually watching Eat. Pray. Love. Although it's about a middle aged woman who leaves life for a year to travel to Italy, India, and Bali, I find so much to relate to in that movie. I do own the book as well, but haven't had the time to read it. I do wish that I had the time and money to just drop everything for a year to learn a new language in its native country, pray to a guru to find the source of everything, and "Have a love affair in Bali." 

It isn't everyday that you find multiple things that you can call your rock and source of happiness. I can say that other than watching a movie over and over again and fantasizing over what my life will be like when I get older I have found a love and a happiness for this amazing thing called Zumba. If you haven't tried it, I suggest you do because it is such a rush. Who knows, maybe you'll find your calling. 

I have never been that girl who knows exactly what she wants when she wants it. I have always been a changer. I think I have changed my mind about what I want to major in in college like 20 times since I was a little girl. But even though I have all of this stress to think about, going into my senior year of high school, I find that the two things that have made me the happiest for my entire life, is music and my friends. I can be having the crappiest day ever and I walk into my auditorium and see my "choir family" and nothing can change my smile for the rest of the day. 

So maybe you don't like movies, books, Zumba, or anything fun in this world. But as long as you have something that you're passionate about and that makes you happy, that's all that matters. This world is going to suck for everyone at one point or another in their lives. I just hope that maybe, I can help those that see this to make the changes necessary to live a happy life. But be warned that it isn't easy in the least. Being happy takes time and you have to learn to love yourself before you love anyone else or before anyone can truly love you. "Be so happy that when others look at you, they become happy too." 

Short, Sweet, and waiting for the right moment to be everything I can be.

Welcome to my mind. Wanna know something fantastic? It's actually cool to be nice. Wanna know something else? You aren't alone in this world, and there are people who care if you ask for it. That's all for tonight and I'll see you happy folks in the morning<3 "Be kind to one another."-Ellen.

Growing up fast.

It's time to grow up. How many times have you heard that from an adult, a peer, or maybe even yourself? I know I get it a lot mainly because at the start of this school year, I will be one of many to have an end goal...graduation. I know that seems like it's so far away, but look at our junior year, that went by so fast I feel like I'm still there. Sure, we may not feel like seniors yet, but what about when underclassmen start to cry because we're the ones leaving. I don't know about you guys, but I already have my little flock that will be super hard to leave. Whether we plan on going 1 miles, 2 hours, or even 3 states away we're gonna have people that miss us. I want to think that every single one of my classmates is going to walk across that stage on June 5th next year, knowing that their dreams are coming true. But what if that doesn't happen? What if tragedy strikes, or they can't afford the college of their dreams or they have to stay home and work to help their family? What will we do then? I know a lot of my classmates will go off and never remember the kids they went to highschool with, sadly I could be one of them. Isn't that what society has done to us? We are so caught up in our own lives that we begin to think that we're better than our surroundings. Have we let stereotypes run our lives that much that if we are friends with one group we can't be friends with another. I'm telling you, it's time to grow up. Look past the "barriers" that you've built around yourself and learn to appreciate what's around you. College is a big step and not one that everyone gets to take. But should we really think that just because someone can't go, that we're better than them? I know, it may seem like I'm bouncing around but just try to keep up. At the end of last school year, I began to look around at those I share my title Class of 2014, and honestly, I didn't like what I saw. There is constant bullying, everyone trying to fit in and so many perfectionists that you'd think we're all straight A socialites. I don't know about you guys but I want to be remembered as the girl who was friends with as many people as she could be and not just one of THOSE seniors. Now, I'm not saying that I hate my classmates because I don't. I have made countless memories with a lot of them and I like it that way. But if we keep going in the direction we are now, our 5th year class reunion will be full of cliques, backstabbers, and people who just couldn't get along. I don't know about you, but I don't really like the sound of that. So maybe instead of going downhill fast, we can learn that growing up isn't so bad after all<3

Brave.

Have you ever wanted to do something crazy? I don't mean go out and dye your hair purple or pierce your nose because your mom said no. I mean, something meaningful but yet defiant. Something that is going to live in you but also outlive you. When I say outlive you, what I mean to say is something that people are going to hear about after you die. I'm not saying that you have to end up in history books, heck, in 25 years kids probably won't know what it's like to carry tons of books home. Back to crazy. Maybe I don't mean crazy, maybe my version of crazy is your version of everyday, perhaps it's something you've never heard of, it might even be something you've wanted to do forever and haven't had the chance. For me, it's a bunch of things that I haven't gotten to do yet. They might not change the whole world, but to me these things would be so influential and life changing that it might scare a lot of pessimists. I want everyone to think about something they want to do, that you've wanted to do but have been scared of the outcome. If you want to talk to your crush but don't know how, just do it, if it doesn't work out at least you tried. If you want to get a new job, you have to look, it isn't going to come to you. If you want to lose weight, that's on your head, you have to be willing to do the work, it doesn't come from just eating right. There are infinite possibilities of what you can achieve if you just try it, go out and do it and don't let fear hold you back. I know a lot of people who don't do the things they want to because it's either not right for their friends, they don't like trying new things, or it won't keep them up on the high horse that we all sit on at some point. This whole go out and do something attitude of mine came about the other week, I found a song called Brave and it's by Sara Bareilles. It isn't just the words in this song that are inspirational, the video is as well. It's a bunch of people just getting the courage to break out in dance at the mall, in the gym, at the library, and a lot more. But what I think everyone should take from it is that no matter what you want to do, if you're brave enough, you can do anything. You don't have to listen to the rest of the world, and when they come at you with negativity, you just throw a handful of happiness in their face. I want to propose a challenge, to those of you who might read to this point. My challenge is this, find something you find terrifying, exciting, thrilling, brave, and do it. Maybe you'll record it and post it to my blog (that would be awesome) or just do it for you. But I want to know what you guys are crazy enough to try. "Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live Maybe one of these days you can let the light in Show me how big your brave is." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4

Going back to your roots.

You know, I don't blog too much and it makes me sad because I really do have a lot to say. Like why can't we all start living in a country mentality? I know, I've gone from big city sweetheart to southern charm sweetheart. But it's okay to change, right? Look at the world around you, it's always changing. The people change, our surroundings change, our outlooks change, even we change. Not maybe that doesn't make sense to you, but hear me out on this one. In my lifetime, which isn't that long but just go with it, I have found that we change everyday. One day we could dress like we stepped off of a Black Veil Brides stage, the next we look like we live on the Jersey Shore in tight shirts and shorts that are barely there, then maybe the next we look like a typical teenager. I know that sounds like I'm marking teenagers and saying that they have to look a certain way. But seriously, think about the people that roam (or roamed depending on your age) the halls of your high school. You have the teachers who have to dress nicely, then you have the different "cliques." There's the populars and the jocks that have their Hollister, Abercrombie & Fitch, and so many other labels, then there's the simplistic kids. They don't have to have the best of everything, but they make what they have look good. These kids usually get along with everyone. I could go on and on about this all day, but that isn't my point here. My point is that whether you're in high school, college, or "the real world", you change constantly. Maybe these changes aren't important to you. But to people like me a change, no matter how big or small, means the world. By this I mean a change in scenery helps clear out all the confusion, going back to what you were raised on makes you see that you're beginning is usually better than your now. It's really good, to go back to my beginning because I was raised on country music, a good time, and knowing what really matters in this world is family. I used to be stuck on the city lifestyle, I wanted to leave my little town and never look back, and sometimes I still do. But I don't need a NYC or Chicago life, I'll take my North Carolina or Pennsylvania life any day. So maybe the next time you think about what you want your life to be about, instead of changing your future, try changing your present and for once just take a trip to your past even as far back as your young youth. It really does help and anyone can do it. Just listen to some music and decide what's worth changing...the future that isn't here yet, the past you can only re-live, or the present that will only make you stronger.